Trust is Hard to Give

I cannot seem to put Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" down. I continuously speak about being an [AND] person and this man was! He's so eloquent and poetic. He appears humble and well learned, kind and a thinker. An emperor and a Roman. I feel romantic with this man's words.

Funny thing, touching upon romantic feelings, I'm just thinking about relationships. I have come to find that a man's mind is what excites me. Turn off the TV, the Netflix--I need conversations and debates. Silent discussions. Sex is something I cannot do if my mind has not been turned on. My friends call me a serial monogamous because I don't date, I somehow just end up being wife-d up. And I have never had a one night stand as interesting as the concept is--I was never able to do it. I'm sure I'm missing out on some kind of adventure.

Going back, in the book he writes:

"No more jerking to the strings of selfish impulses,
No more disquiet as your present
Or suspicion of your future fate."

This is all so very true. I'm kind of selfish. I travel when I want, have very little responsibilities, and make impulsive decisions without consulting my partners at the time. I sometimes make decisions based on how it will affect me and sometime fail to see how it might affect other parties at hand. I know it's time for me to be grounded. To be honest, I don't feel like a woman yet. I'm in this weird stage where I'm a girl and transitioning to a woman. This sounds like the Brittany Spears song, "I'm just a girl, not yet a woman... all I need is time."

I constantly question where I am, why I am doing things, when in reality, I know I  am creating drama and uncertainty when there doesn't need to be. The best advice someone special told me yesterday was "shut up."

I walk in circles with my empty fears and thoughts surrounding my present which feeds itself to the the future. All because I lack patience in what I am doing.

I lack trust in the process. I must keep moving forward and the biggest enemy is my own ego.

You know what I think about, when I hear trust the process? I live in the heart of Downtown Los Angeles, just one block from Skid Row. By the way, Skid Row has been for almost 100 years! Terrible.

I'm sure the homeless can't tell themselves trust the process. Why is this luxury of trusting the process set out for some and how do I know I will be those who will benefit from this? I guess I should go back to what Aurelius said, "..suspicion of your fate."

Guess I just need to trust and I'm thankful for those around me who will pull me up by the hands and put my ass up so I can stand or put a pillow under my bum so my fall isn't so hard.

Trust in the process if you put the work into it.


Offences of lust are graver than those of anger: because it is clearly some sort of pain and involuntary spasm which drives the angry man to abandon reason, whereas the lust-led offender has given in to pleasure and seems somehow more abandoned and less manly in his wrongdoing.

Marcus Aurelius